And Still Think You're Having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
laughingGoths;
Still Think You Are Having a Bad Day?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
laughingGoths;
Having a Bad Day?
Well, then, consider this..............
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
laughingGoths;
Tips with English Grammar
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid cliches like the plague.
laughingGoths;
Going Camping?
Some tips on better camping:
-- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
-- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
-- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
-- When smoking a fish, never inhale.
-- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
-- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
-- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
-- You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
laughingGoths;
Raise?
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
laughingGoths;
Games
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
laughingGoths;
Dogs & Computers : Same or Different?
-- Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
-- Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
-- After destruction of personal property
Dogs: dog not found
Computers: file not found
-- Favorite trick
Dogs: roll over
Computers: play dead
-- Comic-page hero
Dogs: Dogbert
Computers: Dilbert
-- Fun way to mess with their heads
Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
-- Consequence of virus
Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
Computers: replace valuable data
-- Widely ignored government mandate
Dogs: leash law
Computers: Communications Decency Act
-- Waste disposal tool
Dogs: pooper-scooper
Computers: uninstaller
-- Sensitive internal procedures
Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once
-- Method of marking territory
Dogs: lifting leg
Computers: "Designed for Windows XP"
-- Unique behavior
Dogs: lick and drag
Computers: click-and-drag
-- Inexplicable physical feature
Dogs: declaw
Computers: scroll lock key
-- Estimated lifespan
Dogs: 12 years
Computers: 12 months
-- At end of useful life
Dogs: euthanasia
Computers: tax deduction
laughingGoths;
Spelling It Out
My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy, is she r-u-d-e!"
"Yeah," he replied, "and I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."
laughingGoths;
Millionaire
John is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis, "John, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
John, "Yes."
Regis, "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."
John, "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Mary."
Mary answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis, "Hello Mary, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend John here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be John's..."
John, "Mary, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."
Mary, "Oh, John. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
John: "Are you sure?"
Mary, "I'm sure."
Regis, " You heard Mary. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
John, "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis, "Is that your final answer?"
John, "Yes."
Regis "Are you confident?"
John "Yes; I think Mary's pretty smart."
Regis, "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, John flies Mary to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, John looks at Mary and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
laughingGoths;
Manager's Quotes
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
- One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
laughingGoths;
Interesting Facts
- 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. (Wait, what about Sleeping Beauty, which also has both parents surviving in the film?)
- 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
- The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
- Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
- Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
- A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
- Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"
- The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
- "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.
- Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
- Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. (I don't want to know how they found this out - LadyHawke)
- The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off...Thus the saying.
- Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
- The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."
laughingGoths;
Martini
Father O'Brian, a young priest, was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day."
"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."
"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."
The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..."
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but...Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Hey Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
laughingGoths;
Best Friends?
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?
laughingGoths;
Headlines We've Seen & Loved
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
laughingGoths;
Listening
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
"A teacher!"
laughingGoths;
Late for Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot.
He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.
All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?"
laughingGoths;
New Number
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
laughingGoths;
Instead of a Nursing Home
There will be no nursing home in my future........
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
laughingGoths;
Performance Review Terms
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders - yet.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks a lot.
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
CAREFUL THINKER:
Won't make a decision.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
FORCEFUL:
Argumentative.
AGGRESSIVE:
Obnoxious.
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL:
Speak English.
CONSCIENTIOUS:
Scared.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:
Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:
Lucky.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
STRONG PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
CAREER MINDED:
Back Stabber.
COMING ALONG WELL:
About to be let go.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Gets to work on time.
RELAXED ATTITUDE:
Sleeps at desk.
EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:
Screws up often.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:
Too ugly to get a date.
INDEPENDENT WORKER:
Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
FORWARD THINKING:
Procrastinator.
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:
Able to BS well.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Spends lots of time on phone.
LOYAL:
Can't get a job anywhere else.
laughingGoths;
Low Bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a "Truck Wedgie."
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The gutsy truck driver said, "No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"
laughingGoths;
Got Bugs
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
laughingGoths;
World's Easiest Quiz?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
Answers:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George V's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course.
laughingGoths;
Blonde Road Test
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.
She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner.
"Now what?"
laughingGoths;
Checkbook
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
laughingGoths;
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
laughingGoths;
Supper
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
laughingGoths;
License Plate
While driving with my daughter and her husband, I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.
"That's weird," I said, pointing to it. "Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?"
"Call me crazy," said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, "but I believe that reads 'FUN-GAL.'"
laughingGoths;
Sunday School Lesson
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
laughingGoths;
Insurance
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
laughingGoths;
The Golfer
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.
The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.
After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.
Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.
I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."
laughingGoths;
Housework
I don't see what the fuss is about house cleaning. Seems easy enough to me.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.....
7. Feel better?
laughingGoths;
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
laughingGoths;
Washroom
Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
I went into the washroom.
The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... Hi there, how's it going?"
Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back East..."
The voice interrupted, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this goober in the next stall keeps answering me!"
laughingGoths;
Reality TV
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we at- tenderd a relative's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
laughingGoths;
Blood Rush
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
laughingGoths;
