If Earth Were a Small Village
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,
* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male
* 70 would be non-white
* 30 would be white
* 70 would be non-Christian
* 30 would be Christian
* 95 would be heterosexual
* 5 would be homosexual
* 6 people would own 59% of the world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States
* 80 would live in substandard housing
* 70 would be unable to read
* 50 would suffer from malnutrition
* 1 would be near death
* 1 would be near birth
* 1 would have a college education
* 1 would own a computer
* 0 would play oboe
laughingGoths;
How to Mess Up a Job Interview
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
- "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
- "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
- "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
laughingGoths;
A Brave Man
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
laughingGoths;
Wooden Spoons
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.
I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
laughingGoths;
Read Aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."
laughingGoths;
Drawing
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
laughingGoths;
Parenthood
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
And finally:
If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspiring and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!
laughingGoths;
Baby Power
Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1
You have absolute power.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2
Cry.
Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3
Be cute.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.
Rule #4
Keep them weak.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5
Pee on them.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule #6
Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.
Rule #7
Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8
Women and grandparents love babies.
Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!
Rule #9
Siblings exist for your amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10
No private time.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power!
laughingGoths;
From Patient's Hospital Charts
1. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
9. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
10. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
laughingGoths;
Marriagw Wisdom
When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."
"How long have you been married?" she asked.
"Ten years," came the immediate reply.
laughingGoths;
Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37 Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
laughingGoths;
Nightclub
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked, "Wow...How badly did he play?"
laughingGoths;
Ways to Stay Stressed
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS......and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
laughingGoths;
Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
laughingGoths;
The Drill Sergeant
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
laughingGoths;
Quirks About Life
..Most people deserve each other.
..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
..The one who snores will fall asleep first.
..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
..The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
laughingGoths;
A Scary Visit
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G~d's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, I sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
laughingGoths;
Blind Date
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
laughingGoths;
