laughingGoths.

The Art Collector

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

laughingGoths;

Grandma's House

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

laughingGoths;

Concert

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front- row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"

laughingGoths;

Siblings

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

laughingGoths;

Class Pictures

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

laughingGoths;

Scenery

I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."

laughingGoths;

Getting Gray?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

laughingGoths;

The Mouse

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.

While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk."

So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"

laughingGoths;

Haircut Request

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

laughingGoths;

Whiskey

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

laughingGoths;

School Bus

It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

laughingGoths;

Forrest Gump

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

laughingGoths;

Jury Selection

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

laughingGoths;

Couples Humor

On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"

laughingGoths;

Very Old Age

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

laughingGoths;

A Married Couple

Tom was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Linda, with a look of question on his face.

"I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

laughingGoths;

Question Answered

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

laughingGoths;

Mail..

I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.

"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"

He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.

As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."

laughingGoths;

Coffee

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

laughingGoths;

Changing Times

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said,

"You're right sonny . We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them!"

laughingGoths;

Old Sayings.. With a Twist

See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard? See answers below.

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

3. Surveillance should precede salutations

4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity

5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.

8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.

10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.

11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

Answers:

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

2. Birds of a feather, flock together.

3. Think before you speak.

4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

5. Don't cry over spilled milk.

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

7. The pen is mightier than the sword.

8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

10. A watched pot doesn't boil.

11. All that glitters is not gold.

12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

laughingGoths;

Household Budget

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

laughingGoths;

Cafeteria Food

When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"

laughingGoths;

Prayer

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

laughingGoths;

Joke?

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

laughingGoths;

Kids' Wise Words

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

laughingGoths;

Penny Scale

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

laughingGoths;

Oneliners

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
-- From an old carrier sailor

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.

I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Scars: Tattoos with better stories.

Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.

A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.

Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Say nothing . . . often.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.

You non-conformists are all alike.

Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

laughingGoths;

Pleasing?

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.

laughingGoths;

New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

laughingGoths;

Lemon Picking

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well...as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

laughingGoths;

Puns

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

laughingGoths;

New Games

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

laughingGoths;

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

laughingGoths;

Faces

I never forget a face, But in my mother-in-laws' case I'm willing to make an exception.

laughingGoths;

Mace

A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass.

He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time.

One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it.

The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench.

The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".

laughingGoths;

Fireflies

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

laughingGoths;

Photography

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

laughingGoths;

Crowded Airliner

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

laughingGoths;

Job Candidate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it."

laughingGoths;

Invitation Replies to a Scientist's Ball

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.

laughingGoths;

Repairs

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

laughingGoths;

Diagnosis

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."

laughingGoths;

Learning Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack!"

laughingGoths;

Self-Portrait

After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class its assignment--complete a self-portrait. A young man in the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?"

laughingGoths;

Goldfish

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"

laughingGoths;

A Creepy Castle

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

laughingGoths;

The Boring Speaker

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

laughingGoths;

Red Tape at the Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

laughingGoths;

Worm Experiment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

laughingGoths;

The Vision...

"Psychics" are big on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, just north of the state capital, Brisbane. Other Australians regard the area as the Deep North, the antipodean equivalent of the USAs Deep South.

A local radio station carried an evening program in which a "psychic" appeared regularly. The usual flummery - calls from listeners (usually younger women) wanting forecasts of their love-lives, jobs, happiness etc., followed by confident replies from the "psychic" together with supportive clucking noises from the credulous anchor entity. Then the "psychic" made a classic blooper:

Caller: "Will I meet someone?"

Psychic: "Yes of course you will, darling. I see you dancing - you dance so well! - and meeting that man and dancing through life together, you know what I mean?"

Caller: "But I'm confined to a wheelchair..."

laughingGoths;

A Visit from Grandmother

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

laughingGoths;

Without Bias

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

laughingGoths;

Excuses Excuses

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.

A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

laughingGoths;

Monopoly

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions.

I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

laughingGoths;