Bad Time for a Blonde Joke
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
laughingGoths;
Doctor?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
laughingGoths;
Connecting Flights
The fur began to fly when my fellow airplane passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flights out of Aspen.
When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got. Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A. please wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."
laughingGoths;
Important Qs and As
Kids Answers to those important questions
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
laughingGoths;
New Mattress
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
[Reader's Digest.]
laughingGoths;
Gambling
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER."
So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
laughingGoths;
Movie Renting
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
laughingGoths;
Self Defense
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
laughingGoths;
What Movies Have Taught Us
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
laughingGoths;
English School
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
laughingGoths;
Collectibles
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.
One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.
That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
laughingGoths;
